I wrote this a few months ago, and while I have not been feeling as hopeless as of late but I’ve decided to post it anyway because I know how isolated and lonely depression can make you feel.
I preach it that we are not alone yet when you’re in the thick of it all, sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel the hurt, and that’s okay too.
aNyWhO I love you and you are loved and precious and beautiful, always.
Here ya go, babies.
So when is it that I’m not going to feel overwhelmingly numb and gloomy all of the time? Because an ETR would be nice (Estimated Time of Recovery, never heard of it? I just made it up so poof there you go. Feel free to use it. You’re welcome)
I know that my posts have been more melancholy lately and for that I am sorry. I really want this to be a safe place for all of you, but at the same time it is a safe place for me as well, and if I’m being completely honest I don’t know how I’m doing as of late.
There’s been a lot of really shitty things happen recently that have proven to be extremely overwhelming.
And there have been plenty of really great things as well.
But what scares me about all of these good things that are happening is how numb I continue to feel despite all of the positives.
Is this something that a lot of you deal with as well? I haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness before and it’s really difficult to process for me. You know, I feel myself falling back into unhealthy habits again and I fear that it’s only the beginning of the end again.
I am afraid that tomorrow when the morning sunlight kisses my eyelids that I will no longer feel its warmth.
How long is recovery?
That’s a rhetorical question, of course. Everyone is different. Our paths and futures may or may not intertwine and are all unique. But why does mine feel like it’s constantly sloping downhill regardless of how hard I try?
I’m tired of being tired regardless of the amount of sleep that I get. I’m sick of getting so little joy and fulfillment out of the things that once gave me so much purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still good days.
But sometimes it feels like they’re becoming more few and far between.
I still feel love, I love my friends. I love my family and I love myself.
But I hate that I have so much hurt inside of me, so much of the time.
I love you all,
that is all.
All my love,