Little Red flags

Trigger Warning – Sexual Assault

I know that I have good instincts. My body tells me when I don’t like someone, the way that they’re behaving, the way that they treat others, and the way that they treat me. I recognize red flags but I don’t credit myself enough to call a person out on it, or just abandon ship. I stay,

and I hate that about myself.

I know now that a lot of this is because of my abuse. 

My now ex step Father sexually assaulted me for over a year and a half.

Yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was right because “He was the adult” and “Adults know better than children”.

“I’m not your real Dad, so it’s not weird”.

But I was a CHILD, I didn’t know any better.

When the whole thing went through the cops I was numb the entire time. To be honest I don’t remember half of my interview with the detective.

Yet with all of these “Red Flags” that kept popping up in my conversation with the detective, all of these things that he’d done to degrade me and make me feel like I was wrong, and what he was doing was right,

The cops found him not guilty of any kind of sexual charges. 

Yet again I had been abandoned, by the people that were meant to protect me.

I find myself getting attached far too quickly to those that enter my life. I put my all in to someone who pays even the slightest bit of attention to me because I was abandoned, and I hate being alone. I’m fully aware that I’m stronger than I have ever been at this point in my life, and that I don’t need a significant other to thrive. I love who I am as a human being because I admire myself for everything that I’ve had the resilience to get through that I never believed that I could. Yet I never credit myself enough to wait for what I actually do deserve in a partner.

I do respect myself, don’t get me wrong.

But I fuck myself over time and time again by not trusting my instincts, by not acknowledging these red flags;

Someone isn’t liked by a lot of people for genuinely good reasons? They distance me from my friends and family? They get so distraught when I call them out on anything, but won’t bat an eyelash when it comes to calling me out?

yet I stay with them for a year and a half. 

So many red flags that appear out of the woodwork on the road map of my life, they most definetely aren’t few and far between.

Recently I’ve been beating myself up for this so much, I hate the part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt that they’ll get better if they’ve done it before.

That they’ll stop manipulating me.

That they’ll stop using me.

That they’ll stop treating me like I’m disposable. 

I’m not disposable, no one is, and neither are you. 

I know that moving forward I need to acknowledge the red flags when they happen, and not just let it go. If you continue to ask me to have sex after I’ve told you twice already I’m going to leave, and not care to talk to you again.

Why is genuine respect for a fellow human so rare to stumble across?

I’m sorry that this post isn’t sunshine and roses, but I’m still recovering too and that’s just reality. I will always be hereto give you my best advice, and I hope that you’ll remain being with me even when I’m not feeling 100%. The road is long and winding and maybe I’m on a slight hill right now, but don’t worry, I can still see the horizon.

I see it for you too. 

All my love

 

Megan xx

 

A Realistic Self Care Checklist

When I was at my absolute worst, I lost the ability to take care of myself physically, emotionally and mentally. I couldn’t give less of a shit about my body and brain.

I didn’t eat for days at a time, which nearly led to me developing an Eating Disorder.

I rarely went to school.

I spent most of my days staring at my wall beside my bed for hours on end.

I remember waking up nearly every day having to pee but not physically having enough energy to remove myself from my bed to use the washroom.

I wasn’t even human anymore,

and it now breaks my heart to think about how broken down I really was at that point in my life. I genuinely didn’t have a lot of people on my side in that chapter. I can still hear it clear as day when a teacher of mine said “of course Megan isn’t here again” when my “friends” were upset that I wasn’t there to help with a group project for grade eleven English class.

For three years I constantly had people telling me to “Take Vitamin D”, “Go outside”, “Drink more water”.

You wouldn’t put a fish on dry land and yell at it when it can’t fucking breathe.

Pardon my French, but it’s so damn distasteful to say that to someone that’s struggling with their mental health, especially when it’s nothing that they can control.

So this is my realistic as hell self care list for when you don’t want to keep on keeping on.

For those that have loved ones that are struggling with Depression, or any other kind of mental health issue, I genuinely hope that this offers you some insight to what it’s like to have a condition like this, and how you can support the ones that you love the most in a healthy and helpful way.

DISCLAIMER:

ONCE AGAIN I AM NOT A DAMN PSYCHOLOGIST OR A COUNCILLOR. I AM NOT AN EXPERT, NOR AM I PRETENDING TO BE ONE. PLEASE TAKE EVERYTHING I SAY WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AS THIS IS ALL COMING FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND NOTHING MORE. 

Without further ado,

  • When was the last time you showered or bathed?

Has it been more than three days? Pick yourself up gently, run a hot shower and allow yourself to be clean. Your brain may be in agony and feel filthy and groggy but your body doesn’t need to as well. Allow yourself to cry in the shower. That shit is therapeutic. I cry in the shower all the time, I still do even now sometimes. Something about the hot water washing away tears just helps me release a lot of that pent up emotion and pain. If you don’t have the energy to stand run a shallow bath and sit, just enough water to not be cold, but not enough to be fully submerged if you’re at all having intrusive suicidal thoughts. Add some bubble bath, you deserve that darling.

  • When was the last time you ate?

This is a particularly difficult one for me. When I was in the thick of my depression I barely ate anything at all. I hated the idea of eating, the taste of food, the effort that it took to eat. I genuinely didn’t think that I deserved to eat. It got so bad that I still think that I almost developed an eating disorder. So if food is a tough one for you, believe me when I say that, you are not alone.

Even if it’s small, allow yourself to eat. It doesn’t need to be a seven grain, kale and health bullshit salad by any means. It could be an apple, ramen noodles, or cheese and crackers. Anything that you find minority appetizing, have some of it. I promise you that you will feel a little bit better after eating something.

(I’m planning on writing a separate blog post with easy recipes for when you’re low on energy but still need energy. I think that would have been helpful to me when I was depressed)

  • Have you taken your meds if you’re on any?

Medication is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s so important that you stay on a regular dosage though so that they can do their job, not to mention the wicked withdrawals that can occur if you come off of them cold turkey. Take your meds, drink a big glass of water and pat yourself on the back for taking care of yourself.

  • When was the last time you talked to anyone? (even over text) 

It’s normal to not want to talk to others when you’re in stuck in a rut, I know it was for me. A lot of this comes from thinking that others don’t care about you/don’t wan to talk to you, but in reality it’s often the complete opposite. I know that family members, friends and loved ones are often cautious to talk to you because they don’t want to further upset you, or don’t know how to ask how they can help you. I’m telling you, extend the olive branch. A “Hey, how are you doing? we haven’t talked in a while!” text never hurt anyone. If you know you need support from a loved one, don’t be afraid to ask! Text them, tell them, call them “Hey, I’m not doing so well right now and it would be nice to see you, movie night maybe?” Even if it’s a small gesture, it will help you feel more connected to those around you, and less isolated.

  • Have compassion for yourself

You are sick, and it’s completely normal to feel the way that you do. Don’t beat yourself up for the way that your body and mind are reacting to a illness though. While you do have some control in how you help yourself, your symptoms are not your fault. If you can’t go outside today, that’s okay. Just make sure that you do something to take care of yourself. Have something to eat, take your meds and do something that you do enjoy/ did enjoy. Go easy on yourself, it’s okay to struggle, but it isn’t okay to beat yourself up for it.

I know this is a really general topic, and I could make a list three pages long, but I think these are some of the most crucial components of self care when you’re depressed. Feel free to send me questions or suggestions of posts that you would find useful.

You’re still here, and that’s an achievement worth celebrating.

You made it one more day and I’m proud of you. 

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

 

All my love,

Megan xx

Untitled

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that

I have major trust issues.

Sometimes this still surprises me, even though it effects every aspect of my life without me even noticing it at times.

I’m often tentative to make friends

because I was always someones last

choice, always plan C.

I don’t trust a lot of older people either.

I don’t often trust older white males especially.

When it comes to new relationships though, it brings this all in to focus for me.

With a new relationship comes learning new things about yourself and another fellow human being. It takes me a little while to truly open up to someone, because so may people would go running if they heard half of the shit that I’ve had to go through.

 

Yes, I am damaged.

 

But I’m bent, not broken you

see?

To be honest, all of this shit that I have managed to pull myself through has made me a much better person and I’m damn proud of myself for not giving up when I wanted to most for

So. Damn. Long.

But when you get in to something where someone doesn’t necessarily understand, or want to respect why you do the things that you do, it is really discouraging.

I just want to be loved, isn’t that

what everyone wants?

I want to be loved by friends,

by family,

by someone that I don’t know yet.

Every part of my being wants to be loved by someone but every part of me is scared as hell of that at the same time.

How do you explain to

someone that you want to

be intimate, but you don’t?

I mean, I understand that statement, and another survivor probably would too, but when you’re with a new person, how do you tell them that

“I’m super in to you and this, but

every part of me isn’t”.

So many people can’t respect that, and I know that those aren’t the people you should be with,

but it’s more than discouraging when so few people can grasp that concept.

It genuinely baffles me how some people can just, lie down and have casual sex. I don’t mean that in a shaming way, it genuinely comes from a place of jealousy.

Sex is not a casual thing for me, at

all. If anything it scares the shit out

of me.

It’s the most intimate and vulnerable that you can possibly be with another human, and heaven knows that I hate to be vulnerable.

I often wonder if all this counselling, these medications, my hard work and effort will ever change the way that I look at sex. Will I ever get to the point where I could just engage in that casually?

Could I feel safe?

Could I feel comfortable?

And the answer is I don’t know.

I know this post wasn’t a whole lot of positivity, sunshine and rainbows.

But I’m at a place right now where I’m questioning a lot of this and I think recovery is most definitely not a straight forward journey.

There will be both good days and bad days.

I hope you bear with me even on the not so good days too ❤️

 

All my love

Megan xx

Self Compassion Saved My Life.

“Self love” is huge in the media right now, and that’s a great thing, but I definitely believe that every person has their own definition for the term.

Don’t get me wrong. 

I actually think it’s really awesome how positive people are trying to be in this world that’s literally tearing at the seams currently. 

Women and Men are embracing their beautiful bodies, many more individuals are being true to themselves and their sexualities,

and a lot of people are telling the judgemental fucks of this world to shove it. 

As for me, the definition of self

love means

something completely

different.

For as long as I can remember, I was so incredibly hard on myself for everything that I had gone through.

I was severely unforgiving of

myself for the way

that my body and mind were

naturally reacting

to my trauma.

I was furious with myself for not being able to take the bus at night, or walk somewhere alone. I was fed up with myself for not wanting to be by myself in any place or situation for fear that he would be there.

“I’m safe now, so why don’t I feel

like I am?” 

I could not for the life of me get that thought out of my head. I couldn’t forgive myself for being traumatized, for suffering from a very real condition. PTSD wreaked havoc on me for so long, and I still feel it’s icy grip on my neck at times.

But it’s not as often that it chokes me anymore.

A lot of that is because I woke up one day and realized that I had gone through something incredibly traumatic and that at some point

I needed to stop blaming

myself for what I went

through.

I decided to forgive myself for having intrusive thoughts and for being furious with myself for not feeling able or comfortable to go out on my own in broad daylight. For once in a long time,

I allowed myself to feel the emotions that I had without blaming myself.

When I step back from the situation now, I see how convoluted my own view of my trauma was.

Self compassion saved my life. 

 

 

(Trigger warning)

 

 

I started to see how manipulative my abuser was, and that none of what happened to me was actually my fault, which offered me so much relief because I constantly put myself through the wringer trying to figure out what I had done to deserve this.

 Once I had realized that I did deserve happiness, that’s when everything changed. 

I started to cut toxic people out of my life, as much as I could. By all means it wasn’t like running through a jungle with a machete and hacking down trees one by one. I thought about how these people were making me feel, and if they supported my healing and growth in a positive and helpful way.

The simple answer is that most of them didn’t. 

One of the biggest things that taught me is :

NEVER let someone halt your own growth. 

I also realized that where I was living was no longer safe for me. I was constantly sitting at the edge of my seat wondering when I would run in to him, or run in to someone else that had bad intentions for me and my body. Victoria was tainted, and I hated that it was because it was my home for nearly eighteen years.

You need to be in a safe environment to be able to allow yourself to heal. I knew that all of my hard work wasn’t going to pay off if I had remained in Victoria.

So I picked up and left,

and boy am I so glad that I made that decision.

I now live with my mothers family, in a home that is safe, welcoming and supportive. Every person here wants nothing but for me to get better, and for once in four years, I genuinely feel like I am getting better. Writing this is making me tear up because I haven’t felt this internally peaceful in so long, and I can’t believe that this kind of solution hadn’t come to me before it did.

I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t developed my sense of self love.

Two years ago, I didn’t think I wold be sitting here right now. All of me wanted to be six feet underground. 

I have no doubt in my mind that there’s a light at the end of every tunnel, you just have to keep walking until you find it. There may be days when you can barely muster even one step, and that’s okay.

I promise you that when you see it,

you will

never feel

any happier to feel anything but

hopelessness.

All my love,

Megan xx