I was never yours because I never truly belonged to myself.
A year and a half ago now, I had my heart ripped from my chest, more than that, I lost my identity.
For a painstakingly long eighteen months, I stuck around, because you made me believe that no one else, not even myself could ever love me. I fell out of touch with reality because you had convinced me that you and I were the only thing in this entire universe that mattered.
Not my friends, my family or my own well being.
I remember the nights that we’d argue until you’d storm out, turn around and blame me for everything that was wrong in our relationship. The nights that you would tell me that my family didn’t love me. The nights that you’d tell me how much you hated my friends and relatives.
The night that I started to believe you.
The night that I started to push everyone out of my life, for you convinced me that if I didn’t, you wouldn’t love me anymore. You would leave me if you weren’t the only person that held importance in my life.
But that is not what love is.
I believed you because I didn’t believe in myself.
I began to lose the sense of who I was, meanwhile the lines between love and abuse became blurred.
The best thing that you ever did was leave me. Thank you for walking out on me, for it made me realize how out of touch I was to the world outside of my relationship.
I hadn’t realized how much you had tainted my thought process, and how much your previous actions, the way that you treated me did and continue to affect the building of new connections.
For I am terrified of being emotionally abused. I’m scared that each and every person out there is just like you, selfish, ignorant, narcissistic and manipulative. I’ve been working so hard towards not feeling this way with unfamiliar people and attempting to go into something with a positive mindset to achieve a positive outcome. But how do I not put these walls up? The only person following you to break them down broke my heart along with them.
So the answer to your question, do I still love you,
I never loved you. I was infatuated with the concept of being in love, but what we had, was cruel. Your deep burning hatred for others and yourself not only lit you on fire, but left me a pile of embers in the aftermath.
Don’t kid yourself.
Because my fire burns bigger and brighter than it ever has before and I built myself back up, not you.
Not for you, but for my own healing and inner peace,
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, Jess.