The Embers

I was never yours because I never truly belonged to myself.

A year and a half ago now, I had my heart ripped from my chest, more than that, I lost my identity.

For a painstakingly long eighteen months, I stuck around, because you made me believe that no one else, not even myself could ever love me. I fell out of touch with reality because you had convinced me that you and I were the only thing in this entire universe that mattered.

Not my friends, my family or my own well being.

I remember the nights that we’d argue until you’d storm out, turn around and blame me for everything that was wrong in our relationship. The nights that you would tell me that my family didn’t love me. The nights that you’d tell me how much you hated my friends and relatives.

The night that I started to believe you. 

The night that I started to push everyone out of my life, for you convinced me that if I didn’t, you wouldn’t love me anymore. You would leave me if you weren’t the only person that held importance in my life.

But that is not what love is.

I believed you because I didn’t believe in myself.

I began to lose the sense of who I was, meanwhile the lines between love and abuse became blurred. 

The best thing that you ever did was leave me. Thank you for walking out on me, for it made me realize how out of touch I was to the world outside of my relationship.

I hadn’t realized how much you had tainted my thought process, and how much your previous actions, the way that you treated me did and continue to affect the building of new connections.

For I am terrified of being emotionally abused. I’m scared that each and every person out there is just like you, selfish, ignorant, narcissistic and manipulative. I’ve been working so hard towards not feeling this way with unfamiliar people and attempting to go into something with a positive mindset to achieve a positive outcome. But how do I not put these walls up? The only person following you to break them down broke my heart along with them.

So the answer to your question, do I still love you,

I never loved you. I was infatuated with the concept of being in love,  but what we had, was cruel. Your deep burning hatred for others and yourself not only lit you on fire, but left me a pile of embers in the aftermath.

Don’t kid yourself.

Because my fire burns bigger and brighter than it ever has before and I built myself back up, not you.

Not for you, but for my own healing and inner peace,

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, Jess.

 

Megan

 

Sometimes you feel lonely and these are my lonely thoughts.

Disclaimer

I wrote this a few months ago, and while I have not been feeling as hopeless as of late but I’ve decided to post it anyway because I know how isolated and lonely depression can make you feel.

I preach it that we are not alone yet when you’re in the thick of it all, sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel the hurt, and that’s okay too. 

aNyWhO I love you and you are loved and precious and beautiful, always.

Here ya go, babies.


So when is it that I’m not going to feel overwhelmingly numb and gloomy all of the time? Because an ETR would be nice (Estimated Time of Recovery, never heard of it? I just made it up so poof there you go. Feel free to use it. You’re welcome)

I know that my posts have been more melancholy lately and for that I am sorry. I really want this to be a safe place for all of you, but at the same time it is a safe place for me as well, and if I’m being completely honest I don’t know how I’m doing as of late.

There’s been a lot of really shitty things happen recently that have proven to be extremely overwhelming.

And there have been plenty of really great things as well.

But what scares me about all of these good things that are happening is how numb I continue to feel despite all of the positives.

Is this something that a lot of you deal with as well? I haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness before and it’s really difficult to process for me. You know, I feel myself falling back into unhealthy habits again and I fear that it’s only the beginning of the end again.

I am afraid that tomorrow when the morning sunlight kisses my eyelids that I will no longer feel its warmth.

How long is recovery?

That’s a rhetorical question, of course. Everyone is different. Our paths and futures may or may not intertwine and are all unique. But why does mine feel like it’s constantly sloping downhill regardless of how hard I try?

I’m tired of being tired regardless of the amount of sleep that I get. I’m sick of getting so little joy and fulfillment out of the things that once gave me so much purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still good days.

But sometimes it feels like they’re becoming more few and far between.

I still feel love, I love my friends. I love my family and I love myself.

But I hate that I have so much hurt inside of me, so much of the time.

I love you all,

that is all.

 

 

All my love,

Megan xx