Lonely Hearts Club

It’s that time of the year again where all the people that are in love get to celebrate their passion and admiration for each other. While I am unbelievably happy for those in my life that are in a relationship that’s healthy and satisfying for them, it isn’t easy watching from the sidelines, especially when you already feel so alone 98% of the time.

This Valentine’s I’m trying to remember that this time last year I was in a very unhealthy relationship, and that I’m grateful that I’m not in the middle of that anymore.

Sure there are days where I hate being alone and I want nothing more than to be held and have my hair played with and my forehead kissed.

Hell I want that most days. 

But thank fucking god that I am in a healthy and committed relationship with myself now instead. When I moved I promised myself that this was for me.

No one else.

I wouldn’t allow my life to become something that’s purpose was to fit someone elses falsified image of myself.

I lost so much of myself in my previous relationship, and I hate that I allowed myself to. I used to paint three to four days a week, practice my guitar and ukulele almost every night and sing my heart out until my vocal chords were tired.

I’m not going to say that he took that away from me, because he didn’t,

but he didn’t encourage me to invest time in to those things the way that I had before “we” became a thing. I didn’t feel like I could because everything had to be about him, and I don’t think that he really realized how much his actions affected me and the things that I found joy in, or maybe I’m just trying to assume the best in people as I always do.

I specifically remember after we had broken up playing my guitar and singing again, and my Dad popped his head in my door and said

“I’ve missed you”.

It was then that I realized how toxic my relationship with that person and myself had become.

I’m happy with who I am as an individual,

and it took me so long to realize that the reason that I was so distraught when my ex broke up with me was because I was afraid of fighting this battle alone. I know that I have my family and my friends that will always back me up, but a hand to hold and someone to wipe your tears is something entirely different.

I’ve grown and learned a lot about myself since then and I’m confident in myself that I am okay on my own, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am lonely.

For all of you out there who are feeling the same, here’s to us,

because we’re some of the strongest, most bad ass people there are. 

Lets just all be each others Valentine’s, how’s that?

 

All my love

Megan xx

Season 4 – Episode 1

I write to you all from the cozy comfort of my warm bed tonight. I want to apologize for the lack of posts that I have not been posting as of late. I know that the purpose of this blog is to

A) Help others going through a difficult period in their lives / battling mental health issues / struggling to keep their heads above water

and

B) Help me 

but recently I’ve been really struggling with yet another depressive episode and it’s been taking a tole on my creative ability.

I’ve been consciously making an effort to turn this episode around in to something a little more enjoyable, maybe something in the same pallet as The Office?

All jokes aside it’s been genuinely terrifying to feel myself falling in to these unhealthy habits again.

Not physically being able to wake up in the morning,

Not eating a solid meal until the end of the day,

Not going to a massage therapist for the pinched nerve in my back that causes me excruciating pain for fear of being touched by a stranger.

And you know it’s so frustrating to me because I know for a fact that I will pull through this, it’s not nearly as bad as what I have been like in the past and I’m fucking thankful for that if anything. I’ve gone through this cycle more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined.

I started a mindfulness group last week and the counsellor that did the initial intake with me asked me if I was suicidal. I said

“No,

But I have been before” That reminded me of how lucky I am to be here, that all of those times that I wanted my pain to end more than anything else in this entire universe,

I had the strength not to. 

I’ve been going to counselling every Wednesday morning at 9:30 balls AM.

And it helps.

After moving away from Victoria I felt better than I had in over two years, I felt free and I don’t think I’d truly felt that since I was no taller than the kitchen counter. Reality eventually set in however and while I’m not a self loathing mess like I used to be, I’m aware that both Depression and Anxiety will likely hang around off and on for the remaining duration of this rollercoaster film that is my life.

and I’m okay with that. 

I have felt unbearable pain and it has made me kind.

I have seen horrendous things and want nothing but to paint beauty for all.

I have been violated time and time again by this world and continue to move forward spreading kindness that society lacks wherever I can.

I’m a better person because of all of this bullshit that the universe has decided to throw at me, and you bet I’m damn proud of it.

It’s on days like these that I tell myself this.

It’s on days like this that I want you all to tell yourself this.

 

All my love,

-Megan xx

 

 

Adulting??

It’s been quite a while since I wrote an update, so today on my day off I thought that I would do just that.

Reflecting on these last few months, they’ve been nothing but crazy busy. Between working nearly forty hours a week, deciding that I do in fact want to go to University come summer, trying to write my application and attempting to not doubt myself, I’m still finding time for myself like today.

I had a counselling appointment at nine this morning, then treated myself to breakfast and now I’m in a cute little coffee shop with a cup of tea in hand writing this for you.

While I have been finding time for myself, I guess you could say that I am at a bit of crossroad with my job and life in general. A promotion is nearly right at my fingertips and now I’m beginning to get cold feet. For the past few moths since I got to my new store, the management team has been shaping me up to be a supervisor, and while I was overjoyed about the opportunity at first, I’m now scared that it’s not what I want.

I originally wasn’t set on whether or not I wanted to go to school right away, let alone what I wanted to do there. Now that I do want to go, I realize how much more stress this promotion would bring in to my life, and I honestly don’t know if I would be able to leave work, at work where it should be. I’m trying to weigh the pro’s and the con’s of a two dollar pay increase and a higher level of involvement at the store and the exceedingly stressful situations that being a supervisor could put me in to.

This whole application business is throwing me through a loop as well because I barely have over a month to complete it which probably seems like an excessive amount of time to a normal human being, but to me, that’s not long at all. Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have three months to go over my answers to these questions over and over again until I know the words that I’ve written down by heart. I mean, it definitely is a good thing that I don’t have the ability to do that.

I know that I have the capability to get in to the school and succeed, but it’s a matter of getting there and having the confidence in knowing that I am indeed, good enough. 

I now at long last have an established time and day that I’ll be seeing my counsellor here, which comes as a huge wave of relief as I’ve just been too busy to be going regularly. I forgot how much I genuinely enjoy my counselling appointments. They help me understand why I react a certain way to things that happen to me, and how I can better myself as a human.

A few weeks back I returned to Victoria for the first time since I left and I honestly didn’t gain a whole lot of positive from the trip. By all means it was amazing to see my best friends back there; Emily and Matt, if you’re reading this I love you both so much and I hold you so close and dear to my heart. The both of you hold so much value on this earth and I cannot wait to see what it holds for the both of you and us, together.

While in Victoria, Emily and I both got new piercings that we had been wanting for quite some time. I was scared as hell and nearly chickened out, but thank god Emily didn’t give me a choice once we flipped a coin to see who would go first and she’d lost. I’m so happy with my newly decorated Tragus and

I’m proud of myself for going through with it.

By going back to Victoria, I reassured myself that I did make the right decision to pick up and leave. Being there is so hard for me. I felt and still do feel like I’m constantly being watched and it’s an indescribable, unsettling feeling that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

I’m so glad that I did decide to move here. While there have been difficult moments, I’m just overall a much happier, healthier human being.

I know that this hasn’t really been a helpful post, or on anything in particular but I honestly feel like I am at a crossroad, and I’m making a lot of major life decisions and I wanted you to know what I have been getting up to.

I want to remind you all that I’m open to suggestions on why to write about, my inbox is open and I hope you drop some.

As always,

All my love,

 

Megan xx

The Anniversary Effect

The Anniversary Effect : Defined as a unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.

I wasn’t familiar with the term until a few months ago, when it put a name to the symptoms that I feel every November.

It’s now been two years since shit hit the fan with my now ex step father and my Mom.

And while I could very well focus on all of the difficult emotions that this time of the year triggers, I’m trying desperately hard to acknowledge all of the positive things that I’ve done since then, and the progress that I have made.

I’m damn fucking proud of myself for everything that I’ve gotten myself through over these past two years. I’ve been through hell and back, and I honestly didn’t think that I would come back from where I was at such a dark point in my life.

TW

Two years ago almost to the day, I spent nearly forty five minutes in the shower clawing at my skin until I bled because I felt so damn filthy because of what my step father had been doing to me over the previous year and a half. It wasn’t until a day before that that I had realized what he was doing.

I was devastated.

I felt my entire world crumble around me, and I couldn’t escape the falling rubble.

But guess what?

I did, and I’m still here.

I wake every morning not for fear that I’ll have a nightmare that night. I get up, and want to go out because I love the fresh air, and going places on my own. I found peace in being alone after so long of being afraid of the very same thing. I look forward to my bus ride to work because it does take twenty minutes, but it’s twenty minutes where I’m not obligated to have to talk to anyone, and I can reflect on my own thoughts and emotions.

Two years ago I was terrified of all of that. I was terrified to open my eyes every morning. I was scared of being alive, and it truly does break my heart to think about how broken I felt that I was.

For some, all of these may sound like such minor victories, but for me they’re the most meaningful of all. I know that I have the strength within me to get myself through whatever life decides to throw my way. God knows that I hope that it’ll be nothing like what I’ve already been through, but if it is, so be it. I know now that I can do whatever it is that I please, and be confident in knowing that I do have the strength to do that.

I want all of you out there struggling to know that you’re more resilient than you think. You’re stronger than what you could ever anticipate, regardless of what you yourself or others will tell you.

You have what it takes to get through all of this. Even if you feel like you have no one, you will always have yourself, and you will always have me.

I’m rooting for all of you. 

 

All my love,

Megan xx

Untitled

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that

I have major trust issues.

Sometimes this still surprises me, even though it effects every aspect of my life without me even noticing it at times.

I’m often tentative to make friends

because I was always someones last

choice, always plan C.

I don’t trust a lot of older people either.

I don’t often trust older white males especially.

When it comes to new relationships though, it brings this all in to focus for me.

With a new relationship comes learning new things about yourself and another fellow human being. It takes me a little while to truly open up to someone, because so may people would go running if they heard half of the shit that I’ve had to go through.

 

Yes, I am damaged.

 

But I’m bent, not broken you

see?

To be honest, all of this shit that I have managed to pull myself through has made me a much better person and I’m damn proud of myself for not giving up when I wanted to most for

So. Damn. Long.

But when you get in to something where someone doesn’t necessarily understand, or want to respect why you do the things that you do, it is really discouraging.

I just want to be loved, isn’t that

what everyone wants?

I want to be loved by friends,

by family,

by someone that I don’t know yet.

Every part of my being wants to be loved by someone but every part of me is scared as hell of that at the same time.

How do you explain to

someone that you want to

be intimate, but you don’t?

I mean, I understand that statement, and another survivor probably would too, but when you’re with a new person, how do you tell them that

“I’m super in to you and this, but

every part of me isn’t”.

So many people can’t respect that, and I know that those aren’t the people you should be with,

but it’s more than discouraging when so few people can grasp that concept.

It genuinely baffles me how some people can just, lie down and have casual sex. I don’t mean that in a shaming way, it genuinely comes from a place of jealousy.

Sex is not a casual thing for me, at

all. If anything it scares the shit out

of me.

It’s the most intimate and vulnerable that you can possibly be with another human, and heaven knows that I hate to be vulnerable.

I often wonder if all this counselling, these medications, my hard work and effort will ever change the way that I look at sex. Will I ever get to the point where I could just engage in that casually?

Could I feel safe?

Could I feel comfortable?

And the answer is I don’t know.

I know this post wasn’t a whole lot of positivity, sunshine and rainbows.

But I’m at a place right now where I’m questioning a lot of this and I think recovery is most definitely not a straight forward journey.

There will be both good days and bad days.

I hope you bear with me even on the not so good days too ❤️

 

All my love

Megan xx

Where have I been for over a year?

Over a year since my last post, and here I am!

The past year has been a rollercoaster. Once again shit hit the fan and my life kind of fell apart, I mean the past five years I’ve been falling apart and putting back the pieces, again and again. But this time I feel like the glue holding me together has actually set. November of 2015, my life was turned upside down.

Everything that I knew was no longer,

My family, was not my family and I had no idea what to do,

and those I once trusted became dead to me.

I’m not gonna lie, the past two years have been the hardest in my entire life, and I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on anyone else.

Yet somehow, I’m almost

thankful for how much my

trauma has taught me.

The past year I’ve done nothing but work on myself, and focus on my recovery, and holy shit am I glad that I did!

This November will be two years since I realized that I was being abused.

I don’t really know how that time of the year is going to make me feel, but what I do know is that for once in my life

I feel like I’m going to be

okay in the long run.

So

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

well let me tell you darling.

-Trying to not have a nervous breakdown most of the time

-Working my ass off

-Trying to graduate

-Balancing a relationship and everything else going on in my life at the time

-Attending countless counselling sessions

-Losing and making a lot of friends

-Ending a year and a half long relationship

and somehow

Graduating with HONOURS

So been a tad busy.

I’ve also recently moved away from home,

and goddamn, I’ve never

felt any better.

I guess sometimes you just have to say “fuck it” and leave the toxic situation,

and have enough self respect and love

to know that you deserve

to feel better.

I’m by no means “fixed

but god damn do I feel

better. 

So there you go, that’s where I’ve been.

 

All my love,

-Megan xx