The Embers

I was never yours because I never truly belonged to myself.

A year and a half ago now, I had my heart ripped from my chest, more than that, I lost my identity.

For a painstakingly long eighteen months, I stuck around, because you made me believe that no one else, not even myself could ever love me. I fell out of touch with reality because you had convinced me that you and I were the only thing in this entire universe that mattered.

Not my friends, my family or my own well being.

I remember the nights that we’d argue until you’d storm out, turn around and blame me for everything that was wrong in our relationship. The nights that you would tell me that my family didn’t love me. The nights that you’d tell me how much you hated my friends and relatives.

The night that I started to believe you. 

The night that I started to push everyone out of my life, for you convinced me that if I didn’t, you wouldn’t love me anymore. You would leave me if you weren’t the only person that held importance in my life.

But that is not what love is.

I believed you because I didn’t believe in myself.

I began to lose the sense of who I was, meanwhile the lines between love and abuse became blurred. 

The best thing that you ever did was leave me. Thank you for walking out on me, for it made me realize how out of touch I was to the world outside of my relationship.

I hadn’t realized how much you had tainted my thought process, and how much your previous actions, the way that you treated me did and continue to affect the building of new connections.

For I am terrified of being emotionally abused. I’m scared that each and every person out there is just like you, selfish, ignorant, narcissistic and manipulative. I’ve been working so hard towards not feeling this way with unfamiliar people and attempting to go into something with a positive mindset to achieve a positive outcome. But how do I not put these walls up? The only person following you to break them down broke my heart along with them.

So the answer to your question, do I still love you,

I never loved you. I was infatuated with the concept of being in love,  but what we had, was cruel. Your deep burning hatred for others and yourself not only lit you on fire, but left me a pile of embers in the aftermath.

Don’t kid yourself.

Because my fire burns bigger and brighter than it ever has before and I built myself back up, not you.

Not for you, but for my own healing and inner peace,

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, Jess.

 

Megan

 

Hello beautiful humans!

Alas, I am alive and not amazing but not terrible either so that’s something.

I am so sorry that I fell off the face of the earth for the past month and a half. I unexpectedly had to have my computer serviced and then had to take it to a second place and jump through a bunch of hoops to actually have it fixed.

BUT HERE I AM, HELLO

Besides having my laptop shit the bed, I have had a lot of things come up for me, both good and bad and they have really impacted my life more than I had anticipated.

When March rolled around I decided that there were better opportunities for me in the restaurant industry as a server, so I decided to go for a position at a local restaurant.

Low and behold, I got hired on the spot and started training the following day.

HOLY, SHIT IS MOVING FAST EH

In early April, my Dad came to visit me and we had a lovely time.

In the days following his departure back home, I had gum surgery which was obviously a damn party.

What else would you expect when having your gums cut up and sewn back together again?

While blogging under the influence of Tylenol three’s may have been entertaining, I decided against that.

The day after my surgery, I got some really disappointing news which genuinely tore me up for a few weeks. I didn’t get into University this year because I was missing three credits which I was previously told in high school that I didn’t need to get into a post-secondary institution.

So that was pretty hard to swallow.

Since then I’ve enrolled in two online classes and have been working on them whenever I’m able to find time between my two jobs, counselling appointments and time with friends.

As much as all of these things have kept me very busy, I’ve genuinely missed writing to you folks and I miss writing for me too.

I truly hope that this post finds you well and that you’re all taking care of yourselves.

I look forward to writing more soon and until then,

all my love,

 

Megan xx

 

Black Sheep

I am the black sheep.

In a world full of the most angelic, white and fluffy critters.

I have, and always will be the black sheep.

We don’t talk about the way that abuse changes us. We don’t talk about it because we don’t like to think about nor acknowledge that it even exists.

Instead we talk about the trial, the accusations, the witnesses and the jail time.

What we fail to do acknowledge is the impact that the abuse and/or assault has on both their every day lives and their future.

I personally believe that a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about the subject,

because the thought of it happening to us, to your mother, your children, your friend or your sibling is unsettling.

But do you have any idea of how unsettling it is for us?

Even after being in counselling for over four years and being on medication for three I wake up every day and hope that it’s not one of the “bad” days.

The days where getting out of bed seems next to impossible.

The days where I literally feel nothing.

The days when I don’t eat until 9PM because I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to.

We don’t talk about the way that the depression and anxiety lasts so long that it has literally outdated all of my friends.

 

It doesn’t just go away, and we pretend like it does and it is not healthy. We set up counselling services for victims of assault and we publish that they’re being supported (which is amazing, in no way am I saying that it isn’t) but we pretend like that’s the end of the road.

And it’s not even the beginning.

 

We don’t talk about the un painted line of segregation between yourself and others that distance themselves from you because they no longer know how to interact with you after finding out what has happened to you. As if you’re a completely different person than the one that they so “formerly” knew.

We don’t talk about the most pitiful looks that you start to get from strangers like you’re a bird with two broken wings.


Trigger warning

 


We don’t talk about the restless nights in bed, unable to sleep because I felt you watching me through your sick eyes.

We don’t talk about the early mornings that I woke up in full fledged panic for I had dreamt that you had pinned me down on the couch, duct taped my mouth and raped me.

We don’t talk about the fact that I woke up nearly screaming crying because I couldn’t let even a whisper out from my mouth in the dream.


I fear that we live in a world where these things get swept under the carpet so often that they will remain there until we decide to pull them out again.

And far too often we choose not to.

Don’t get me wrong, we have gotten better as a society but we still need to work together in supporting our survivors and encouraging them to heal by listening and showing compassion towards them.

Something that I think stops a lot of people from engaging with survivors about their abuse is the fear of triggering them, and while it’s very considerate to think that,

A lot of us just want someone to listen.

To not run away when things get ugly.

To not walk out on us.

My abuse has made me feel extremely isolated from my friends, my family and relationships because I process things differently.

But please, don’t be afraid to ask me how I’m doing, it genuinely means the world to me to know that you care about my wellbeing.

Ask us if we are okay, (here’s the important parts) and be there for us if we aren’t.

Be there for us when we are.

Recovery is not a one way street, there will be ups and there will be downs. Don’t be afraid to tag along for the ride, because we are some of the most dynamic, compassionate and deeply loving people that exist.

For that and many other reasons listed above and in other said posts, we are different.

I am different, and I am proud of it.

We are the black sheep, and we are not alone, but we are ready to be heard.

 

All my love,

Megan xx

Lonely Hearts Club

It’s that time of the year again where all the people that are in love get to celebrate their passion and admiration for each other. While I am unbelievably happy for those in my life that are in a relationship that’s healthy and satisfying for them, it isn’t easy watching from the sidelines, especially when you already feel so alone 98% of the time.

This Valentine’s I’m trying to remember that this time last year I was in a very unhealthy relationship, and that I’m grateful that I’m not in the middle of that anymore.

Sure there are days where I hate being alone and I want nothing more than to be held and have my hair played with and my forehead kissed.

Hell I want that most days. 

But thank fucking god that I am in a healthy and committed relationship with myself now instead. When I moved I promised myself that this was for me.

No one else.

I wouldn’t allow my life to become something that’s purpose was to fit someone elses falsified image of myself.

I lost so much of myself in my previous relationship, and I hate that I allowed myself to. I used to paint three to four days a week, practice my guitar and ukulele almost every night and sing my heart out until my vocal chords were tired.

I’m not going to say that he took that away from me, because he didn’t,

but he didn’t encourage me to invest time in to those things the way that I had before “we” became a thing. I didn’t feel like I could because everything had to be about him, and I don’t think that he really realized how much his actions affected me and the things that I found joy in, or maybe I’m just trying to assume the best in people as I always do.

I specifically remember after we had broken up playing my guitar and singing again, and my Dad popped his head in my door and said

“I’ve missed you”.

It was then that I realized how toxic my relationship with that person and myself had become.

I’m happy with who I am as an individual,

and it took me so long to realize that the reason that I was so distraught when my ex broke up with me was because I was afraid of fighting this battle alone. I know that I have my family and my friends that will always back me up, but a hand to hold and someone to wipe your tears is something entirely different.

I’ve grown and learned a lot about myself since then and I’m confident in myself that I am okay on my own, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am lonely.

For all of you out there who are feeling the same, here’s to us,

because we’re some of the strongest, most bad ass people there are. 

Lets just all be each others Valentine’s, how’s that?

 

All my love

Megan xx

Season 4 – Episode 1

I write to you all from the cozy comfort of my warm bed tonight. I want to apologize for the lack of posts that I have not been posting as of late. I know that the purpose of this blog is to

A) Help others going through a difficult period in their lives / battling mental health issues / struggling to keep their heads above water

and

B) Help me 

but recently I’ve been really struggling with yet another depressive episode and it’s been taking a tole on my creative ability.

I’ve been consciously making an effort to turn this episode around in to something a little more enjoyable, maybe something in the same pallet as The Office?

All jokes aside it’s been genuinely terrifying to feel myself falling in to these unhealthy habits again.

Not physically being able to wake up in the morning,

Not eating a solid meal until the end of the day,

Not going to a massage therapist for the pinched nerve in my back that causes me excruciating pain for fear of being touched by a stranger.

And you know it’s so frustrating to me because I know for a fact that I will pull through this, it’s not nearly as bad as what I have been like in the past and I’m fucking thankful for that if anything. I’ve gone through this cycle more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined.

I started a mindfulness group last week and the counsellor that did the initial intake with me asked me if I was suicidal. I said

“No,

But I have been before” That reminded me of how lucky I am to be here, that all of those times that I wanted my pain to end more than anything else in this entire universe,

I had the strength not to. 

I’ve been going to counselling every Wednesday morning at 9:30 balls AM.

And it helps.

After moving away from Victoria I felt better than I had in over two years, I felt free and I don’t think I’d truly felt that since I was no taller than the kitchen counter. Reality eventually set in however and while I’m not a self loathing mess like I used to be, I’m aware that both Depression and Anxiety will likely hang around off and on for the remaining duration of this rollercoaster film that is my life.

and I’m okay with that. 

I have felt unbearable pain and it has made me kind.

I have seen horrendous things and want nothing but to paint beauty for all.

I have been violated time and time again by this world and continue to move forward spreading kindness that society lacks wherever I can.

I’m a better person because of all of this bullshit that the universe has decided to throw at me, and you bet I’m damn proud of it.

It’s on days like these that I tell myself this.

It’s on days like this that I want you all to tell yourself this.

 

All my love,

-Megan xx

 

 

Adulting??

It’s been quite a while since I wrote an update, so today on my day off I thought that I would do just that.

Reflecting on these last few months, they’ve been nothing but crazy busy. Between working nearly forty hours a week, deciding that I do in fact want to go to University come summer, trying to write my application and attempting to not doubt myself, I’m still finding time for myself like today.

I had a counselling appointment at nine this morning, then treated myself to breakfast and now I’m in a cute little coffee shop with a cup of tea in hand writing this for you.

While I have been finding time for myself, I guess you could say that I am at a bit of crossroad with my job and life in general. A promotion is nearly right at my fingertips and now I’m beginning to get cold feet. For the past few moths since I got to my new store, the management team has been shaping me up to be a supervisor, and while I was overjoyed about the opportunity at first, I’m now scared that it’s not what I want.

I originally wasn’t set on whether or not I wanted to go to school right away, let alone what I wanted to do there. Now that I do want to go, I realize how much more stress this promotion would bring in to my life, and I honestly don’t know if I would be able to leave work, at work where it should be. I’m trying to weigh the pro’s and the con’s of a two dollar pay increase and a higher level of involvement at the store and the exceedingly stressful situations that being a supervisor could put me in to.

This whole application business is throwing me through a loop as well because I barely have over a month to complete it which probably seems like an excessive amount of time to a normal human being, but to me, that’s not long at all. Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have three months to go over my answers to these questions over and over again until I know the words that I’ve written down by heart. I mean, it definitely is a good thing that I don’t have the ability to do that.

I know that I have the capability to get in to the school and succeed, but it’s a matter of getting there and having the confidence in knowing that I am indeed, good enough. 

I now at long last have an established time and day that I’ll be seeing my counsellor here, which comes as a huge wave of relief as I’ve just been too busy to be going regularly. I forgot how much I genuinely enjoy my counselling appointments. They help me understand why I react a certain way to things that happen to me, and how I can better myself as a human.

A few weeks back I returned to Victoria for the first time since I left and I honestly didn’t gain a whole lot of positive from the trip. By all means it was amazing to see my best friends back there; Emily and Matt, if you’re reading this I love you both so much and I hold you so close and dear to my heart. The both of you hold so much value on this earth and I cannot wait to see what it holds for the both of you and us, together.

While in Victoria, Emily and I both got new piercings that we had been wanting for quite some time. I was scared as hell and nearly chickened out, but thank god Emily didn’t give me a choice once we flipped a coin to see who would go first and she’d lost. I’m so happy with my newly decorated Tragus and

I’m proud of myself for going through with it.

By going back to Victoria, I reassured myself that I did make the right decision to pick up and leave. Being there is so hard for me. I felt and still do feel like I’m constantly being watched and it’s an indescribable, unsettling feeling that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

I’m so glad that I did decide to move here. While there have been difficult moments, I’m just overall a much happier, healthier human being.

I know that this hasn’t really been a helpful post, or on anything in particular but I honestly feel like I am at a crossroad, and I’m making a lot of major life decisions and I wanted you to know what I have been getting up to.

I want to remind you all that I’m open to suggestions on why to write about, my inbox is open and I hope you drop some.

As always,

All my love,

 

Megan xx

The Anniversary Effect

The Anniversary Effect : Defined as a unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.

I wasn’t familiar with the term until a few months ago, when it put a name to the symptoms that I feel every November.

It’s now been two years since shit hit the fan with my now ex step father and my Mom.

And while I could very well focus on all of the difficult emotions that this time of the year triggers, I’m trying desperately hard to acknowledge all of the positive things that I’ve done since then, and the progress that I have made.

I’m damn fucking proud of myself for everything that I’ve gotten myself through over these past two years. I’ve been through hell and back, and I honestly didn’t think that I would come back from where I was at such a dark point in my life.

TW

Two years ago almost to the day, I spent nearly forty five minutes in the shower clawing at my skin until I bled because I felt so damn filthy because of what my step father had been doing to me over the previous year and a half. It wasn’t until a day before that that I had realized what he was doing.

I was devastated.

I felt my entire world crumble around me, and I couldn’t escape the falling rubble.

But guess what?

I did, and I’m still here.

I wake every morning not for fear that I’ll have a nightmare that night. I get up, and want to go out because I love the fresh air, and going places on my own. I found peace in being alone after so long of being afraid of the very same thing. I look forward to my bus ride to work because it does take twenty minutes, but it’s twenty minutes where I’m not obligated to have to talk to anyone, and I can reflect on my own thoughts and emotions.

Two years ago I was terrified of all of that. I was terrified to open my eyes every morning. I was scared of being alive, and it truly does break my heart to think about how broken I felt that I was.

For some, all of these may sound like such minor victories, but for me they’re the most meaningful of all. I know that I have the strength within me to get myself through whatever life decides to throw my way. God knows that I hope that it’ll be nothing like what I’ve already been through, but if it is, so be it. I know now that I can do whatever it is that I please, and be confident in knowing that I do have the strength to do that.

I want all of you out there struggling to know that you’re more resilient than you think. You’re stronger than what you could ever anticipate, regardless of what you yourself or others will tell you.

You have what it takes to get through all of this. Even if you feel like you have no one, you will always have yourself, and you will always have me.

I’m rooting for all of you. 

 

All my love,

Megan xx