I’ve honestly been at such a loss recently as to what content I should or want to write about. Maybe that’s because I’m busy with work, and trying to find new work. Maybe it’s because I myself am just coming out of a depressive episode after three months.
I was thinking the other day about how often I feel worried that no one will ever love me because I still have bad days.
So I thought jokingly “Why don’t I make an instruction manual for myself?” and I honestly thought that was a pretty good idea.
So without further ado;
Megan Model #1999 : A manual
Since 2014 I’ve struggled with both depression and anxiety (Which if you follow me, you’ll know by now) I’ve gathered from experience that both of my conditions come up in relationships and each have their own individual effects on one.
I ask a lot of questions, and I apologize a lot. For that I am sorry (The irony kills me here) because I know that it can be annoying at times.
I don’t lack self confidence when it comes to my looks or body issues, I am who I am and there isn’t a whole lot I can do to change that even if I wanted to (My body is rad and so is yours, you’re all beautiful and I love you) Something that I do fear however is the fact that I do have stuff going on that can make my life more difficult than others. So when I ask; “Is everything okay?”
It’s not to make you think that I feel there’s something wrong, it’s more a matter of me trying to reassure myself that I am worthy of being cared for and loved.
Even though I’m not chronically depressed anymore, there will be the odd day where I really struggle to get out of bed and go to work. I won’t want to do anything and I might just need to cry it out, be hugged and have my back rubbed.
But sometimes I really need my own space and time too. I thrive on being independent and reflecting on my own emotions and thoughts. So sometimes I may need to take a me day and go out to take photo’s, write a blog post, take a walk and get a coffee. That’s what self care is to me because I’m doing what makes me feel better for myself.
Just because there’s a lot of talk about “Depressed people don’t want love and affection” that’s honestly the exact opposite of what we want. Wrap me up in a blanket and sit my ass down next to you on the couch. This little sad burrito will enjoy being in your company while being warm n’ cozy (EVERYONE WINS BECAUSE CUDDLES ARE SNAZZY AND BEING COZY IS 11/10)
It’s the little things that mean a lot. Remembering that when I’m having an off day that my favourite thing to eat when I’m sad are Ritz crackers.
BRING ME ALL THE RITZ BABY
and a glass of water because hydration is neato and Ritz are salty af (Low key me)
Or that I often forget to eat when I’m feeling off and encouraging me to have something to snack on.
Most importantly, remember that I AM MORE THAN MY ILLNESS.
one more time for those in the back
WE ARE MORE THAN OUR ILLNESS.
I still love, and want to be loved. I feel joy, compassion and love to feel the suns’ warmth beating down on my skin.
We will love you harder than anyone else on this earth because we have felt what it’s like to not even love ourselves, and after finding such a deep sense of self love I want to share that with someone else.
Though there are bad days, keep in mind that I have many more good days now that are so worth sticking around for. I’m prepping for the worst but really I have been doing better.
I’ll want to go on an adventure, drive with no destination and see where the road takes us. I’ll want to go on a hike to find that waterfall that everyone posts photos of that I still don’t have a clue as to where the fuck we could find it. I’ll want to take photos and paint. Take photos of you, of architecture and of nature.
I’ll want to get lost in an oil painting so satisfying and precise that watching the paint dry becomes a source of entertainment.
One of the many things that I’ve learned through my struggle with my own mental health is that we have to appreciate the little things in life, because we never know when they could be taken away from us.
I didn’t know that I would have my love for most things taken away so now I must enjoy it, bask in it and embrace the fulfillment that these little hobbies bring me.
I want to enjoy life. I’ve worked so hard to move forward from my past, and I want to share that joy and fulfillment in life with someone.
There may be some difficult days ahead in the future, but I promise the good will far outweigh the bad.
All my love