How to love someone who’s depressed

I’ve honestly been at such a loss recently as to what content I should or want to write about. Maybe that’s because I’m busy with work, and trying to find new work. Maybe it’s because I myself am just coming out of a depressive episode after three months.

I was thinking the other day about how often I feel worried that no one will ever love me because I still have bad days.

So I thought jokingly “Why don’t I make an instruction manual for myself?” and I honestly thought that was a pretty good idea.

So without further ado;

Megan Model #1999 : A manual

Since 2014 I’ve struggled with both depression and anxiety (Which if you follow me, you’ll know by now) I’ve gathered from experience that both of my conditions come up in relationships and each have their own individual effects on one.

I ask a lot of questions, and I apologize a lot. For that I am sorry (The irony kills me here) because I know that it can be annoying at times.

I don’t lack self confidence when it comes to my looks or body issues, I am who I am and there isn’t a whole lot I can do to change that even if I wanted to (My body is rad and so is yours, you’re all beautiful and I love you)  Something that I do fear however is the fact that I do have stuff going on that can make my life more difficult than others. So when I ask; “Is everything okay?”

It’s not to make you think that I feel there’s something wrong, it’s more a matter of me trying to reassure myself that I am worthy of being cared for and loved.

Even though I’m not chronically depressed anymore, there will be the odd day where I really struggle to get out of bed and go to work. I won’t want to do anything and I might just need to cry it out, be hugged and have my back rubbed.

But sometimes I really need my own space and time too. I thrive on being independent and reflecting on my own emotions and thoughts. So sometimes I may need to take a me day and go out to take photo’s, write a blog post, take a walk and get a coffee. That’s what self care is to me because I’m doing what makes me feel better for myself.

Just because there’s a lot of talk about “Depressed people don’t want love and affection” that’s honestly the exact opposite of what we want. Wrap me up in a blanket and sit my ass down next to you on the couch. This little sad burrito will enjoy being in your company while being warm n’ cozy (EVERYONE WINS BECAUSE CUDDLES ARE SNAZZY AND BEING COZY IS 11/10)

It’s the little things that mean a lot. Remembering that when I’m having an off day that my favourite thing to eat when I’m sad are Ritz crackers.

BRING ME ALL THE RITZ BABY

and a glass of water because hydration is neato and Ritz are salty af (Low key me)

Or that I often forget to eat when I’m feeling off and encouraging me to have something to snack on.

Most importantly, remember that I AM MORE THAN MY ILLNESS. 

one more time for those in the back

WE ARE MORE THAN OUR ILLNESS. 

I still love, and want to be loved. I feel joy, compassion and love to feel the suns’ warmth beating down on my skin.

We will love you harder than anyone else on this earth because we have felt what it’s like to not even love ourselves, and after finding such a deep sense of self love I want to share that with someone else.

Though there are bad days, keep in mind that I have many more good days now that are so worth sticking around for. I’m prepping for the worst but really I have been doing better.

I’ll want to go on an adventure, drive with no destination and see where the road takes us. I’ll want to go on a hike to find that waterfall that everyone posts photos of that I still don’t have a clue as to where the fuck we could find it. I’ll want to take photos and paint. Take photos of you, of architecture and of nature.

I’ll want to get lost in an oil painting so satisfying and precise that watching the paint dry becomes a source of entertainment. 

One of the many things that I’ve learned through my struggle with my own mental health is that we have to appreciate the little things in life, because we never know when they could be taken away from us.

I didn’t know that I would have my love for most things taken away so now I must enjoy it, bask in it and embrace the fulfillment that these little hobbies bring me.

I want to enjoy life. I’ve worked so hard to move forward from my past, and I want to share that joy and fulfillment in life with someone.

There may be some difficult days ahead in the future, but I promise the good will far outweigh the bad. 

 

All my love

Megan xx

 

 

 

 

 

Intimacy

This morning I had a really impactful meeting with my counsellor. 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I have very deep rooted issues surrounding intimacy, and I have an impossibly difficult time untangling my feeling of safety from my fear of being intimate with someone.

This post deserves a trigger warning so here it is. Please don’t read this if you feel like you could potentially be triggered, I want you all to stay safe and feel safe and if this post won’t help with that, please feel free to skip it. 

“There is a strong difference between education and forcing a child to  describe to them  the sexual acts they carry out with their current boyfriend and or girlfriend” 

I’m all for educating kids about how to have safe sex, 110%. Use all of the protection please!!! Condoms and dams, The pill, the patch, the ring, the shot or an IUD. Whatever you do, do it safely and consensually

But there is a major difference between telling your son or daughter to use a condom and asking them if they liked giving a hand job.

It’s taken me a painfully long time to understand this, and I think that it really only came in to focus for me today.

I have had a lot of really fucked up things happen to me, and my ideas and feelings about intimacy are very skewed. Quite frankly I’m fucking terrified to be with anyone because of the ways that my step father painted these acts to be. The way he pried at me to answer all of his inappropriate, disgusting questions. How uncomfortable that made me feel and the fact that he didn’t stop when I asked him to.

I have definitely come to realize this for myself, that I do need to work on this if I want to go on in life having meaningful relationships, which I crave so much.

I crave intimacy,  and that’s okay.

I want to be held and have my hair brushed behind my ear so that you can kiss me on the cheek.

I want to be able to have you ask me what I like without me feeling like I have a film of scum covering my entire body.

I want to be able to separate my trauma from future life experiences.

I know that with time I will be able to, but it is so frustrating to live in a world where so few people will understand that I need time to even be able to be physically intimate (Which is how meaningful sex should be anyway???)

Five moths ago my counsellor told me that I should steer clear of relationships for a while, as I had been treating them like someone turns to alcohol when they’re hurting. I was doing the same thing, but seeking out a relationship to bury my  resentment, my fear and the pain that I was experiencing.

Today she encouraged me to get out there and meet someone. She said that right now, it would be really healthy for me to find someone healthy and have fun with that person. She encouraged me to live the normal life that I want to live.

I’m so proud of that, because I did that for myself. I can tell that I’m getting better and I haven’t been able to say that for a very long time,

But there’s still a long way to go.

 

All my love,

Megan xx

Little Red flags

Trigger Warning – Sexual Assault

I know that I have good instincts. My body tells me when I don’t like someone, the way that they’re behaving, the way that they treat others, and the way that they treat me. I recognize red flags but I don’t credit myself enough to call a person out on it, or just abandon ship. I stay,

and I hate that about myself.

I know now that a lot of this is because of my abuse. 

My now ex step Father sexually assaulted me for over a year and a half.

Yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was right because “He was the adult” and “Adults know better than children”.

“I’m not your real Dad, so it’s not weird”.

But I was a CHILD, I didn’t know any better.

When the whole thing went through the cops I was numb the entire time. To be honest I don’t remember half of my interview with the detective.

Yet with all of these “Red Flags” that kept popping up in my conversation with the detective, all of these things that he’d done to degrade me and make me feel like I was wrong, and what he was doing was right,

The cops found him not guilty of any kind of sexual charges. 

Yet again I had been abandoned, by the people that were meant to protect me.

I find myself getting attached far too quickly to those that enter my life. I put my all in to someone who pays even the slightest bit of attention to me because I was abandoned, and I hate being alone. I’m fully aware that I’m stronger than I have ever been at this point in my life, and that I don’t need a significant other to thrive. I love who I am as a human being because I admire myself for everything that I’ve had the resilience to get through that I never believed that I could. Yet I never credit myself enough to wait for what I actually do deserve in a partner.

I do respect myself, don’t get me wrong.

But I fuck myself over time and time again by not trusting my instincts, by not acknowledging these red flags;

Someone isn’t liked by a lot of people for genuinely good reasons? They distance me from my friends and family? They get so distraught when I call them out on anything, but won’t bat an eyelash when it comes to calling me out?

yet I stay with them for a year and a half. 

So many red flags that appear out of the woodwork on the road map of my life, they most definetely aren’t few and far between.

Recently I’ve been beating myself up for this so much, I hate the part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt that they’ll get better if they’ve done it before.

That they’ll stop manipulating me.

That they’ll stop using me.

That they’ll stop treating me like I’m disposable. 

I’m not disposable, no one is, and neither are you. 

I know that moving forward I need to acknowledge the red flags when they happen, and not just let it go. If you continue to ask me to have sex after I’ve told you twice already I’m going to leave, and not care to talk to you again.

Why is genuine respect for a fellow human so rare to stumble across?

I’m sorry that this post isn’t sunshine and roses, but I’m still recovering too and that’s just reality. I will always be hereto give you my best advice, and I hope that you’ll remain being with me even when I’m not feeling 100%. The road is long and winding and maybe I’m on a slight hill right now, but don’t worry, I can still see the horizon.

I see it for you too. 

All my love

 

Megan xx

 

Untitled

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that

I have major trust issues.

Sometimes this still surprises me, even though it effects every aspect of my life without me even noticing it at times.

I’m often tentative to make friends

because I was always someones last

choice, always plan C.

I don’t trust a lot of older people either.

I don’t often trust older white males especially.

When it comes to new relationships though, it brings this all in to focus for me.

With a new relationship comes learning new things about yourself and another fellow human being. It takes me a little while to truly open up to someone, because so may people would go running if they heard half of the shit that I’ve had to go through.

 

Yes, I am damaged.

 

But I’m bent, not broken you

see?

To be honest, all of this shit that I have managed to pull myself through has made me a much better person and I’m damn proud of myself for not giving up when I wanted to most for

So. Damn. Long.

But when you get in to something where someone doesn’t necessarily understand, or want to respect why you do the things that you do, it is really discouraging.

I just want to be loved, isn’t that

what everyone wants?

I want to be loved by friends,

by family,

by someone that I don’t know yet.

Every part of my being wants to be loved by someone but every part of me is scared as hell of that at the same time.

How do you explain to

someone that you want to

be intimate, but you don’t?

I mean, I understand that statement, and another survivor probably would too, but when you’re with a new person, how do you tell them that

“I’m super in to you and this, but

every part of me isn’t”.

So many people can’t respect that, and I know that those aren’t the people you should be with,

but it’s more than discouraging when so few people can grasp that concept.

It genuinely baffles me how some people can just, lie down and have casual sex. I don’t mean that in a shaming way, it genuinely comes from a place of jealousy.

Sex is not a casual thing for me, at

all. If anything it scares the shit out

of me.

It’s the most intimate and vulnerable that you can possibly be with another human, and heaven knows that I hate to be vulnerable.

I often wonder if all this counselling, these medications, my hard work and effort will ever change the way that I look at sex. Will I ever get to the point where I could just engage in that casually?

Could I feel safe?

Could I feel comfortable?

And the answer is I don’t know.

I know this post wasn’t a whole lot of positivity, sunshine and rainbows.

But I’m at a place right now where I’m questioning a lot of this and I think recovery is most definitely not a straight forward journey.

There will be both good days and bad days.

I hope you bear with me even on the not so good days too ❤️

 

All my love

Megan xx

Being sexy AND traumatized

This whole post requires a trigger warning, and is hard to write myself. If you have been assaulted, abused or harassed in any way, this post could be very triggering. So please, take care of yourself. 

 


 

Ahh my first post about sex.

It’s a natural thing,

It feels great and it’s fun as fuck.

But when you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted,

it’s a whole other ball game.

It’s like being colour blind.

You see everything black and white, while everyone else can see the colour around them.

You only see sex as a scary thing, there is no fun in it, there is no pleasure. There is no colour.

And no one else can understand that you don’t see the beautiful colours like you used to.

And I hate that.

So much of me is furious with my perpetrator for ruining this great thing for me.

He’s everywhere, in every situation I’m in.

He’s there nagging at me when I want to be intimate with someone saying

“He’s going to force you in to fucking him”

And it makes me so god damn mad that almost three years later, I still have those intrusive thoughts.

Trust is huge for me.

I’m generally pretty open talking about my assault, and if I’m comfortable I’ll usually tell people that I’ve had a really bad experience with sex driven activities, and that

consent is huge for me. 

I’ll ask YOU if you’re okay.

And I’ll expect YOU to do the same.

even if you have no idea of what I’ve been through.

I strongly believe that communication is key to ANY relationship. 

and for the love of god,

TRUST YOUR DAMN

INSTINCTS,

because more often than not, they’re probably right.

Tell someone that they’re making you uncomfortable if they are. 

Get the hell out of the situation that’s making you uncomfortable.

Call someone you trust if you need to get out of a situation.

TAKE CARE OF

YOURSELF.

Something that I try to tell myself is:

If you feel safe and comfortable with someone,

  • You’re allowed to feel good and happy.
  • You’re allowed to feel pleasure.
  • You’re allowed to enjoy yourself in the moment that you’re in. 

Be patient with yourself,

 

You deserve to feel safety

and happiness,

 

And you will someday.

 

All my love

-Megan xx