Alone

I am self conscious about the way my thighs touch and jiggle when I walk. I am self conscious about the fact that my biceps are not toned and tan, and neither are my legs. No,  I don’t have a flat as heck tummy. I am self conscious about all of these things but they don’t make me feel less beautiful or worthy of love.

(Public Service Announcement that ALL bodies are beautiful; Tall, Chubby, Lanky, Short, Skinny. Whatever you are, You are gorgeous just the way you are)

What does however make me feel less worthy of love are my abandonment and attachment issues. 

I know it’s probably not the most physically or mentally intimate topics that I have talked about on this blog, but they are some of the most frightening and detrimental emotions that I ever have, and continue to experience.

I’m scared that you’ll leave me.

I’m fucking terrified that you’ll get tired of me and that everything that I feel inside will make you lose interest in me entirely.

“We’re so untrusting of others to the point that we believe that ourselves are the only people that won’t hurt us, and even then we still hurt ourselves. Those that were suppose to protect us, didn’t, so we don’t let others in” – A very dear friend

When I look at it from an outside perspective, I can absolutely see how my childhood and especially early teens contributed to my attachment patterns.

Man oh man is it fucked.

The adults in my life who’s only job was to protect me, didn’t. They abandoned me at a time when I needed them most. In turn I find it notoriously difficult to make meaningful connections with anyone that walks in to my life, for fear that they’ll leave just as fast as they sauntered on in.

I look at how my step father would treat me, how he would yell at me as a child constantly. How he would always find a reason to blame me for everything that went wrong in our household. How he would scream at my mother and call her a “fucking bitch” at least twice a week. How he would call me a “spoiled little bitch” whenever I told him that I didn’t want to be talked to the way that he did.

When I would sit under my desk in my room crying because I was never the perfect daughter.

Because nine year old me, balling my eyes out when you screamed at me for everything that I ever did,

that made me a bitch.

When I was fourteen and you decided that touching my butt was okay because it gave you satisfaction. When I asked you to stop because it made me uncomfortable, I was over reacting because “it was just a joke”. 

When you asked me for the grim details about the first time I had an orgasm, and I could see the satisfaction in your eyes. 

No one protected me.

No one stood behind me in that moment and told me that it was not okay.

It’s no wonder that I hurt so deeply from this.

For years I had you degrading me until I wasn’t mentally strong enough to fight back anymore. Because of you, I became depressed. Because of you I still suffer from high levels of Anxiety and have the occasional PTSD episode.

For so fucking long, I had no one.

And I’m used to that feeling.

I have been alone in this for so long that I can rarely accept the fact that maybe someone actually gives a shit about me and my well being. Whether that be a family member, a friend or a potential significant other.

I’m self conscious about the fact that I am always paranoid that everyone will leave me because I am simply “too much to handle” and that my episodes will just chase everyone that means anything to me away. I am self conscious because I don’t want to come across as needy or clingy, It’s just that I’m half expecting everyone to call it quits on me at any given moment now. I have been aware of the fact that this is something that I struggle with for quite some time and I have this gut feeling that this is something that likely contributes to my ongoing depression and quite frankly, that really scares me.

It scares me because any time that I start to get close to anyone all I can think about is:

“When are they going to get sick of me?” 

“Sure this is nice, but how long is it gonna last?”

“When are they going to walk out of my life and not come back?”

I know that I think this because I have been abandoned in the past, by the only people that aren’t ever supposed to walk out on you. Even worse, those people hurt me so deeply that I often don’t acknowledge that my attachment and abandonment issues even exist because they’re rooted so deep down.

So I’m sorry that I often ask if everything is okay.

And I’m sorry if I make you think that something is wrong by asking.

I’m sorry that I’m quiet at times, I’m used to people not caring about me or my emotions.

But I care about you deeply, I want the absolute best for you, for your future and for your life. 

It scares me that I care so much, but I do.

I’m here for you because no one was there for me.

 

All my love,

Megan xx

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