I want to be more grateful.
I want to thank those that have helped me through so much, and the honest truth is that there really wasn’t many people who had done that for me back in Victoria. I constantly felt like I was either letting people down or that they were giving up on me.
The one person who has been there through it all is my Dad.
So this one’s for you.
I know you may not read this, and that’s okay, but I want you to know how much your constant support and admiration has helped me. You’ve seen me at my absolute rock bottom, and you’ve seen me at the top of the world.
Every Middle School band concert that I’m sure wasn’t great to listen to,
you were right there, smiling back at me. You sat through hours of strings music (which I know you love so much) just to hear my three songs that I played half assed on the trombone because I honestly had no idea what the hell I was doing. Most of that is probably because instead of practicing at home, I was almost always in the kitchen with you, cooking and dancing, but you were still always right there, beaming with pride.
In High School, I started making my own lunches, but even when I didn’t or I forgot to you always made sure that I had something substantial to bring along. You were always there.
When I got an A on an essay, you’d congratulate me and tell me how proud you were to be my Father and how lucky you were.
And when I became sick, you were there too. I’m sorry that I was no longer the bubbly, fun loving soul that you knew so well. I know that it hurt you to see me in such unbearable pain. I know that it was sometimes difficult to understand how I was feeling, or why I was feeling that way because you couldn’t physically see my ailments that were festering inside of my head.
But you were still there.
You’d tell me when dinner was ready, you’d help me out of bed, and encourage me to change in to something other than the four day old PJ’s that I sported so often.
When I look back now, I see how much that my pain caused you, and while I know that it isn’t my fault, I’m sorry that it did hurt you.
For the fourteen years prior, you knew me as the smart, kind, selfless and creative little girl that I was. Within months all of that fell right through the cracks.
I’m sorry that I left you for so long, and that I would push you away sometimes, I know that the only thing that you wanted to was to help me feel better, you just didn’t know how.
I had no clue either.
But every day that I would tell you that my day was “Ok” and nothing more,
Every day that I would go home and lay in bed in a dark room for hours at a time,
Every day that I told you I was too unwell to go to school and that I would stay home,
You were there for me.
You were a shoulder to cry on,
a coffee date when I needed and wanted to talk,
You were the only person that never, not for a second gave up on me.
So thank you for everything that you have done for me,
for all of the counselling appointments you’ve brought me to, picked me up from and gone with me to.
for believing me when I told you about my abuse.
for protecting me.
Thank you for being the best father that I could ever have, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I love you Pedro.
All my love,