It’s that time of the year again where all the people that are in love get to celebrate their passion and admiration for each other. While I am unbelievably happy for those in my life that are in a relationship that’s healthy and satisfying for them, it isn’t easy watching from the sidelines, especially when you already feel so alone 98% of the time.
This Valentine’s I’m trying to remember that this time last year I was in a very unhealthy relationship, and that I’m grateful that I’m not in the middle of that anymore.
Sure there are days where I hate being alone and I want nothing more than to be held and have my hair played with and my forehead kissed.
Hell I want that most days.
But thank fucking god that I am in a healthy and committed relationship with myself now instead. When I moved I promised myself that this was for me.
No one else.
I wouldn’t allow my life to become something that’s purpose was to fit someone elses falsified image of myself.
I lost so much of myself in my previous relationship, and I hate that I allowed myself to. I used to paint three to four days a week, practice my guitar and ukulele almost every night and sing my heart out until my vocal chords were tired.
I’m not going to say that he took that away from me, because he didn’t,
but he didn’t encourage me to invest time in to those things the way that I had before “we” became a thing. I didn’t feel like I could because everything had to be about him, and I don’t think that he really realized how much his actions affected me and the things that I found joy in, or maybe I’m just trying to assume the best in people as I always do.
I specifically remember after we had broken up playing my guitar and singing again, and my Dad popped his head in my door and said
“I’ve missed you”.
It was then that I realized how toxic my relationship with that person and myself had become.
I’m happy with who I am as an individual,
and it took me so long to realize that the reason that I was so distraught when my ex broke up with me was because I was afraid of fighting this battle alone. I know that I have my family and my friends that will always back me up, but a hand to hold and someone to wipe your tears is something entirely different.
I’ve grown and learned a lot about myself since then and I’m confident in myself that I am okay on my own, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am lonely.
For all of you out there who are feeling the same, here’s to us,
because we’re some of the strongest, most bad ass people there are.
Lets just all be each others Valentine’s, how’s that?
All my love