I write to you all from the cozy comfort of my warm bed tonight. I want to apologize for the lack of posts that I have not been posting as of late. I know that the purpose of this blog is to
A) Help others going through a difficult period in their lives / battling mental health issues / struggling to keep their heads above water
B) Help me
but recently I’ve been really struggling with yet another depressive episode and it’s been taking a tole on my creative ability.
I’ve been consciously making an effort to turn this episode around in to something a little more enjoyable, maybe something in the same pallet as The Office?
All jokes aside it’s been genuinely terrifying to feel myself falling in to these unhealthy habits again.
Not physically being able to wake up in the morning,
Not eating a solid meal until the end of the day,
Not going to a massage therapist for the pinched nerve in my back that causes me excruciating pain for fear of being touched by a stranger.
And you know it’s so frustrating to me because I know for a fact that I will pull through this, it’s not nearly as bad as what I have been like in the past and I’m fucking thankful for that if anything. I’ve gone through this cycle more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined.
I started a mindfulness group last week and the counsellor that did the initial intake with me asked me if I was suicidal. I said
But I have been before” That reminded me of how lucky I am to be here, that all of those times that I wanted my pain to end more than anything else in this entire universe,
I had the strength not to.
I’ve been going to counselling every Wednesday morning at 9:30 balls AM.
And it helps.
After moving away from Victoria I felt better than I had in over two years, I felt free and I don’t think I’d truly felt that since I was no taller than the kitchen counter. Reality eventually set in however and while I’m not a self loathing mess like I used to be, I’m aware that both Depression and Anxiety will likely hang around off and on for the remaining duration of this rollercoaster film that is my life.
and I’m okay with that.
I have felt unbearable pain and it has made me kind.
I have seen horrendous things and want nothing but to paint beauty for all.
I have been violated time and time again by this world and continue to move forward spreading kindness that society lacks wherever I can.
I’m a better person because of all of this bullshit that the universe has decided to throw at me, and you bet I’m damn proud of it.
It’s on days like these that I tell myself this.
It’s on days like this that I want you all to tell yourself this.
All my love,