Trigger Warning – Sexual Assault
I know that I have good instincts. My body tells me when I don’t like someone, the way that they’re behaving, the way that they treat others, and the way that they treat me. I recognize red flags but I don’t credit myself enough to call a person out on it, or just abandon ship. I stay,
and I hate that about myself.
I know now that a lot of this is because of my abuse.
My now ex step Father sexually assaulted me for over a year and a half.
Yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was right because “He was the adult” and “Adults know better than children”.
“I’m not your real Dad, so it’s not weird”.
But I was a CHILD, I didn’t know any better.
When the whole thing went through the cops I was numb the entire time. To be honest I don’t remember half of my interview with the detective.
Yet with all of these “Red Flags” that kept popping up in my conversation with the detective, all of these things that he’d done to degrade me and make me feel like I was wrong, and what he was doing was right,
The cops found him not guilty of any kind of sexual charges.
Yet again I had been abandoned, by the people that were meant to protect me.
I find myself getting attached far too quickly to those that enter my life. I put my all in to someone who pays even the slightest bit of attention to me because I was abandoned, and I hate being alone. I’m fully aware that I’m stronger than I have ever been at this point in my life, and that I don’t need a significant other to thrive. I love who I am as a human being because I admire myself for everything that I’ve had the resilience to get through that I never believed that I could. Yet I never credit myself enough to wait for what I actually do deserve in a partner.
I do respect myself, don’t get me wrong.
But I fuck myself over time and time again by not trusting my instincts, by not acknowledging these red flags;
Someone isn’t liked by a lot of people for genuinely good reasons? They distance me from my friends and family? They get so distraught when I call them out on anything, but won’t bat an eyelash when it comes to calling me out?
yet I stay with them for a year and a half.
So many red flags that appear out of the woodwork on the road map of my life, they most definetely aren’t few and far between.
Recently I’ve been beating myself up for this so much, I hate the part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt that they’ll get better if they’ve done it before.
That they’ll stop manipulating me.
That they’ll stop using me.
That they’ll stop treating me like I’m disposable.
I’m not disposable, no one is, and neither are you.
I know that moving forward I need to acknowledge the red flags when they happen, and not just let it go. If you continue to ask me to have sex after I’ve told you twice already I’m going to leave, and not care to talk to you again.
Why is genuine respect for a fellow human so rare to stumble across?
I’m sorry that this post isn’t sunshine and roses, but I’m still recovering too and that’s just reality. I will always be hereto give you my best advice, and I hope that you’ll remain being with me even when I’m not feeling 100%. The road is long and winding and maybe I’m on a slight hill right now, but don’t worry, I can still see the horizon.
I see it for you too.
All my love