It shouldn’t come as a surprise that
I have major trust issues.
Sometimes this still surprises me, even though it effects every aspect of my life without me even noticing it at times.
I’m often tentative to make friends
because I was always someones last
choice, always plan C.
I don’t trust a lot of older people either.
I don’t often trust older white males especially.
When it comes to new relationships though, it brings this all in to focus for me.
With a new relationship comes learning new things about yourself and another fellow human being. It takes me a little while to truly open up to someone, because so may people would go running if they heard half of the shit that I’ve had to go through.
Yes, I am damaged.
But I’m bent, not broken you
To be honest, all of this shit that I have managed to pull myself through has made me a much better person and I’m damn proud of myself for not giving up when I wanted to most for
So. Damn. Long.
But when you get in to something where someone doesn’t necessarily understand, or want to respect why you do the things that you do, it is really discouraging.
I just want to be loved, isn’t that
what everyone wants?
I want to be loved by friends,
by someone that I don’t know yet.
Every part of my being wants to be loved by someone but every part of me is scared as hell of that at the same time.
How do you explain to
someone that you want to
be intimate, but you don’t?
I mean, I understand that statement, and another survivor probably would too, but when you’re with a new person, how do you tell them that
“I’m super in to you and this, but
every part of me isn’t”.
So many people can’t respect that, and I know that those aren’t the people you should be with,
but it’s more than discouraging when so few people can grasp that concept.
It genuinely baffles me how some people can just, lie down and have casual sex. I don’t mean that in a shaming way, it genuinely comes from a place of jealousy.
Sex is not a casual thing for me, at
all. If anything it scares the shit out
It’s the most intimate and vulnerable that you can possibly be with another human, and heaven knows that I hate to be vulnerable.
I often wonder if all this counselling, these medications, my hard work and effort will ever change the way that I look at sex. Will I ever get to the point where I could just engage in that casually?
Could I feel safe?
Could I feel comfortable?
And the answer is I don’t know.
I know this post wasn’t a whole lot of positivity, sunshine and rainbows.
But I’m at a place right now where I’m questioning a lot of this and I think recovery is most definitely not a straight forward journey.
There will be both good days and bad days.
I hope you bear with me even on the not so good days too ❤️
All my love