“Self love” is huge in the media right now, and that’s a great thing, but I definitely believe that every person has their own definition for the term.
Don’t get me wrong.
I actually think it’s really awesome how positive people are trying to be in this world that’s literally tearing at the seams currently.
Women and Men are embracing their beautiful bodies, many more individuals are being true to themselves and their sexualities,
and a lot of people are telling the judgemental fucks of this world to shove it.
As for me, the definition of self
For as long as I can remember, I was so incredibly hard on myself for everything that I had gone through.
I was severely unforgiving of
myself for the way
that my body and mind were
to my trauma.
I was furious with myself for not being able to take the bus at night, or walk somewhere alone. I was fed up with myself for not wanting to be by myself in any place or situation for fear that he would be there.
“I’m safe now, so why don’t I feel
like I am?”
I could not for the life of me get that thought out of my head. I couldn’t forgive myself for being traumatized, for suffering from a very real condition. PTSD wreaked havoc on me for so long, and I still feel it’s icy grip on my neck at times.
But it’s not as often that it chokes me anymore.
A lot of that is because I woke up one day and realized that I had gone through something incredibly traumatic and that at some point
I needed to stop blaming
myself for what I went
I decided to forgive myself for having intrusive thoughts and for being furious with myself for not feeling able or comfortable to go out on my own in broad daylight. For once in a long time,
I allowed myself to feel the emotions that I had without blaming myself.
When I step back from the situation now, I see how convoluted my own view of my trauma was.
Self compassion saved my life.
I started to see how manipulative my abuser was, and that none of what happened to me was actually my fault, which offered me so much relief because I constantly put myself through the wringer trying to figure out what I had done to deserve this.
Once I had realized that I did deserve happiness, that’s when everything changed.
I started to cut toxic people out of my life, as much as I could. By all means it wasn’t like running through a jungle with a machete and hacking down trees one by one. I thought about how these people were making me feel, and if they supported my healing and growth in a positive and helpful way.
The simple answer is that most of them didn’t.
One of the biggest things that taught me is :
NEVER let someone halt your own growth.
I also realized that where I was living was no longer safe for me. I was constantly sitting at the edge of my seat wondering when I would run in to him, or run in to someone else that had bad intentions for me and my body. Victoria was tainted, and I hated that it was because it was my home for nearly eighteen years.
You need to be in a safe environment to be able to allow yourself to heal. I knew that all of my hard work wasn’t going to pay off if I had remained in Victoria.
So I picked up and left,
and boy am I so glad that I made that decision.
I now live with my mothers family, in a home that is safe, welcoming and supportive. Every person here wants nothing but for me to get better, and for once in four years, I genuinely feel like I am getting better. Writing this is making me tear up because I haven’t felt this internally peaceful in so long, and I can’t believe that this kind of solution hadn’t come to me before it did.
I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t developed my sense of self love.
Two years ago, I didn’t think I wold be sitting here right now. All of me wanted to be six feet underground.
I have no doubt in my mind that there’s a light at the end of every tunnel, you just have to keep walking until you find it. There may be days when you can barely muster even one step, and that’s okay.
I promise you that when you see it,
any happier to feel anything but
All my love,