I thought that for my first post I would give you a little bit of an in depth explanation of how this blog came to be.
Taking it back to 99′
As a kid I was always worrying. Worrying about stupid little things that to other kids, really wouldn’t matter. That was normal to me though, I just thought everyone functioned that way. I didn’t lead on to this as much as I probably should have, but hey, I had no idea that this would one day develop in to a real problem.
In middle school,
I always felt uncomfortable. No one liked me, and I didn’t have many friends. My worry got worse and worse, until one day in grade 5 or 6 I started to feel really sad. I became deathly paranoid and afraid of those who I held most dearly. My paranoia eventually led to feeling so sad that I wanted to take my own life. I couldn’t process or understand what was going on with me, and it really, really scared me. I remember it getting so bad that I couldn’t even do my chores. When I unloaded the dishwasher I had to ask my mom to do the cutlery because I was scared of holding the knives. For reasons that I’m not sure of, I didn’t see anyone for these thoughts or issues. I didn’t want to talk about it because I was worried that I’d be judged.
Eventually things calmed down
and for most of my grade 8 and 9 years, I felt a whole hell of a lot better. I met new people, made new friends, and experienced so many new things.
the list goes on and on. Everything was rolling pretty smoothly, I thought.
Then came grade ten.
I felt sad again, but sad didn’t do it justice. I was afraid to go outside. I was afraid of ruining relationships with my friends, and my family. I felt deeply lonely, and I couldn’t understand why. I stopped eating regularly because it was too much effort. I couldn’t even get myself out of bed to use the washroom in the morning. There were a lot of days that I spent away from my friends and family, staring at the grey walls of my room for hours and hours. I swear, I had memorized every single groove, nook, and cranny on that wall next to my bed.
It took me 4 years to get help.
In the winter of grade 10 I went to see my first psychologist, and I was scared shitless. I thought that this person would pick me apart, thought by thought, worry by worry, question by question. She diagnosed me with having both Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. For so long I felt like those two conditions defined who I was. It didn’t matter how nice I looked, how sharp my eyeliner was, or how confident I felt. Those two menacing names completely consumed me.
It wasn’t until this past year that I realized what had caused a lot of this.
I want to help other people
who felt, and feel like I did, and still do. It took me 4 years of being completely consumed by both my anxiety, and depression to figure out that I couldn’t get through them alone. I’m still not completely through this, but I’m a lot better than I used to be.
I want this to be something that I would have found helpful when I was at my worst.
So on that note, I want to tell anyone reading this that you aren’t alone. There is help, There are people who will listen, and there is hope.
Please feel free to leave me any questions/thoughts you may have through my contact page.
This could include
asking for advice
something you want me to write about
I look forward to hearing from all of you lovely people.
All my love,